When You’re Making an Excel Sheet About Your Sex Life, Something’s Clearly Wrong

Photo: Shutterstock / The Nest Photo: Shutterstock / The Nest

Excel spreadsheets are usually used to track the most banal of things: budgets that force you to stay away from shoe shopping, your latest work projects, or who gave you what for your wedding thank-you note list. What it shouldn’t be used for is to track the last time you had sex.

One Reddit user recently posted an Excel spreadsheet her husband emailed to her to let her know that their sex life was lacking. (I wish I knew if he worked in finance or if he’s just an organized person.)

She explains:

“Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my ‘excuses,’ using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document,’ we’ve only had sex three times in the last seven weeks, out of 27 ‘attempts’ on his part.”

It doesn’t take a therapist to know that being passive aggressive and using a data manipulator to log sexual frustration probably won’t win him any points once he and his wife both want to get out of their rut. To do so, they should start small and slowly to build intimacy again — and remove technology from their relationship for a bit for obvious reasons.

But to be fair, the next time you pull the “sweaty and gross” card (face it, we’ve all been there), just think about how it would look glaring at you five times from a carefully curated spreadsheet.

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