8 Lame New Year’s Resolutions We’re Sick of Hearing About
Ah, January. It’s the time of year when you can’t scroll through your Facebook news feed or sit down at brunch with friends without hearing about the topic of the moment–the New Year’s resolution. While some are legit, there are plenty that have us rolling our eyes. Here, 8 grandiose proclamations we hope never to be uttered again.
“I’m shutting down my Facebook/Instagram/Twitter account. I’m just done with social media.”Yeah, right. Until her raging case of FOMO sets in and she comes crawling right back. Thankfully Facebook will creepily save all of her friends’ passionate pleas asking her to stay—maybe all she wanted in the first place?—until she reactivates her account.
“My plan is to be fluent in Mandarin by the summer.”Oh, really? Are you planning to drop everything and relocate to China? Because that iPhone app or community night class isn’t going to cut it when you’re talking about most languages, not to mention one whose intonations alone can take months to master. Better extend that deadline to next New Year’s…or better yet, pick a language that shares your own alphabet.
“I’m purging every refined carb from my pantry and going totally Paleo from this day forward.”Yeah, because making sweeping, cold-turkey changes to one’s diet is so realistic. Since you’re his friend, we know you won’t mock him when he’s chowing down on pizza two weeks in. But let’s face it, we all know that’s coming.
“I need to manage my time better, so I’m going to hit the gym at 5 a.m. every morning.”The people who are the least likely to get up early are almost always the ones who swear they will succeed...this year. Unless you’re a pastry chef or the parent of a small child (and even then!), it’s pretty hard to sustain any habit every day at such an ungodly hour. Give your friend a week (maybe two) of daily sunrise spin sessions, and then cut to her with her hand planted firmly on that snooze-button.
“I’m going to start living in the now. Carpe Diem!”Hello, cliché! Okay, so maybe what this person really means is that she’d like to spend more time practicing yoga or meditating, but stating it like this doesn’t make much sense when you stop to think about it. Did she have some kind of crazy Time Traveler’s Wife scenario going on before? You may have also met Living in the Now’s cousin, Enjoying the Little Things. And while we’re at it, what’s up with those “words of the year” (we’re looking at you, mindfulness, abundance, and gratitude) that people love to embrace? The whole concept makes us want to pour their hand-crafted kombucha on their head.
“I’m going to start cooking every night—it’s embarrassing to be on a first-name basis with the delivery guys.”Like the early-morning gym-goer, this proclamation usually comes from the last person you’d ever think. She stores sweaters in her stove, thinks salt is a fancy spice, and is usually too tired to even microwave a burrito when she gets home. She hasn’t cooked in over a decade (or ever!) but this is the year she’ll magically morph into Martha Stewart? Um, right.
“It’s time for us to have a grown-up apartment—just like the ones in a Pottery Barn catalog.”Repeat after us: The Pottery Barn catalog works because no one actually lives there! True, it’s amazing in theory and we should all give our nests a little new year TLC, but check back with your pals in a few months—by then they’ll have realized those catalog pages live in an alternate universe where piles of papers, tangled charger cords, dirty laundry, and cat hair don’t exist.
“I’m so quitting alcohol—just green juice and water for the rest of the year!”We get it: After several weeks of back-to-back holiday parties it’s natural to crave a bit of a detox. But unless they’ve got some kind of mandated medical reason, kissing booze completely goodbye is a pretty extreme undertaking for most people. Besides, we all need something stronger than green juice to get us through football season. Am I right, or am I right?