5 Secrets to Living Together (Blissfully!)

You’ve done it. You’ve taken your relationship to the next level and moved in together. Since comedian Michael Ian Black is an expert at, well, everything, here are his personal tips for domestic domination.

secrets to living togetherPhoto: The Nest
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You're living together now, guys; nothing is off-limits. Nobody likes to hold it in just because their partner is within the blast radius. So the sooner you start lettin' 'em rip, the happier both of you will be. Plus, farts are funny.
secrets to living togetherPhoto: The Nest
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Show them whose territory it is right away. They should follow the rules. You do it in their home. They should in yours. If they insist on keeping their old people clothes on their old people bodies, fine. But you are going to let it all hang out, my friend. Until they leave. And don't come back.
secrets to living togetherPhoto: The Nest
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The more fondue, the better. All kinds of fondue. Cheese, chocolate, ham. Yes, ham fondue. It's melted ham. Does that sound disgusting? You bet it does. No matter -- the point is that you've moved in together, and if your friends won't eat a little melted ham to celebrate your love, then they're not your real friends.
secrets to living togetherPhoto: The Nest
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That means, when you're about to leave the house, and you totally hate the outfit they have on, the right thing to do is say (in a quiet soothing voice), "What the f*** are you wearing?" Then just stare at them until they change.
secrets to living togetherPhoto: The Nest
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She wants to go see that stupid movie about those stupid girl who talk about their problems and cry. He wants to see that movie about those stupid guys who battle some stupid monsters who want to eat the planet. The perfect compromise is to see that stupid movie about that stupid couples who move in together and everything goes horribly wrong because they don't itemize the bills and she has this stupid eye mask she wears before bed and Zach Galifianakis plays his best friend and then everything works out at the end because they realize that even though they're both stupid, they're actually perfect for each other. (Then you should go home and boff each other's brains out.)

–Michael Ian Black (Follow him on Twitter @michaelianblack)

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