TomKat-Gate: 5 Things We Want to Read In Katie Holmes’ Tell-All

katie holmes, tom cruise, divorce, split, tell-all Photo: via Getty Images

Whether it’s an expired contract or just some well-timed publicity for Rock of Ages, the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes divorce is kind of something we’ve all been expecting, right? I, for one, am chomping at the bit for a Katie Holmes tell-all memoir.

Sure, the church of Scientology may prevent us from ever getting the answers that we so desperately need (Was Katie deprogrammed? Is Suri really an alien spawn?), but in the event that Katie can find a loophole in the contract she obviously signed in blood, here are the top five things I would want to read inside:

1. Suri’s real father is Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard: When Katie’s pregnancy was announced, rumors swirled that Tom was not the father (shocker). Some of the more creative skeptics proposed that frozen sperm from the late L. Ron Hubbard — the first science fiction author ever to start a religion — was used to conceive this hotly anticipated Cruise fetus. Fine, I’ll buy it, but what I really want to read is that Katie was transported  in a Scientology-built time-traveling vehicle to 1950, where she disguised herself as a Dianetics superfan and seduced Hubbard while in character as Joey Potter from Dawson’s Creek. Now that would be a captivating plot twist!

2. The other two kids are totally for show: One of the shadiest things about Tom Cruise’s life is his other two kids who appear from time to time – you know, the ones that aren’t Suri. I always get this vague sense that they’ve been planted into Tom’s life to make him appear more normal (“Look, I’m just a soccer dad!”). I mean, does anyone believe that their “mother” Nicole ever actually sees them anymore? I’d love to read that Connor and Isabella (yep, they have names) are actually a pair of child actors who simply landed some steady work.

3. Katie was kept locked up in a castle most of the time, Rapunzel-style: It seems sadly obvious that free will was not part of the marriage agreement for Katie. I picture her spending most days alone in a tower with nothing but a single window and a wheel for spinning wool (wait, is that another fairytale?). She was released only for “approved” events – like Tom’s movie premieres and trips to Bergdorf with Suri – and in the meantime, pined away for a real prince to climb her mane of – um, brunette – locks and whisk her away. Hey, it could explain the sudden bob she started sporting shortly after the wedding!

4. Tom’s “Les Grossman” character is actually the real Tom Cruise: What If the svelte, handsome Tom we see gliding down red carpets is actually the product of a toupee, pancake makeup, regular waxing and full-body man Spanx – and the real Tom is the fat, bald, hirsute blowhard from Tropic Thunder? He sure seems to be holding up very well with age – almost too well. Just something (really nauseating) to think about.

5. The Cruise family would vacation regularly to the planet Xenu in their private spacecraft: If I’m going to buy into this whole Scientology thing, I would like to learn that Xenu is an actual planet that exists and that Tom, Katie and Suri (with John Travolta as pilot, of course) would pack up their swimsuits and astronaut diapers for a seasonal romp in the Galactic Confederacy with the local aliens. It’s one way to avoid the paparazzi!